A good rule to remember when it comes to relationships is, “What you see is what you get.” If we want to form lasting relationships with others, we must start by being happy with who the other person is. It is courting disaster when you bring thoughtless or angry people into your life assuming that under your influence they will change.
You see, what’s likely to happen is you will change your behaviour to accommodate them, rather than the other way around. Change is not something we can force on other people. Change comes from within. And, when people are pushed from outside forces, they push back.
If, in major ways, the people in our lives are not what we think they should be, nagging them or manipulations designed to get them to change is not the way to go. Change will never happen if we are certain we are always right, or if we believe that the fault lies always with the other person. Perhaps if we were to allow them the dignity of being who they are without our criticism, we might find change happening naturally of its own accord.
One thing is certain. When we give up blaming and criticising, our relationships with others improve enormously. So does their self-esteem and feelings of competence. You see, we can help others to change, and support their own change efforts, but it’s just not helpful to try to choose their direction for them.
